Marilyn Munroe was a size 14, dammit!

Went to the mall yesterday because I have a gift certificate from my generous in-laws and there is major sale action at the Bay.

I found a sweet Moroccan cooking pot, a ceramic tajine, for a ‘this week only’ price. I am proud to say I looked at it, checked the price, walked around the section ruminating and put it back. I knew in my heart it was something I would use once and collect dust forever after. It would be a meal that would be hung around me neck for years after whenever  “chicken” and “apricot” appeared near each other in casual or overheard conversation. In that narrowly averted reality, as I slipped from this mortal coil, I’m sure of the last words I would hear: “Do you remember that time mom made…”

Instead I got the greatest cherry/olive pitter in the world. I’m serious: nice big handles, stainless or rubber coated surfaces plus an acrylic splatter tube so pit goes straight into bowl. This is the Dyson of manually operated single cherry pitters, I’m telling ya.

And I looked at clothes.  Honestly I did. Even rifled through a few racks and pulled out a pair or two of pants before putting them back.  On one rack a pair of bright orange jogging shorts with yellow piping stood out. Hey, ladies, we’re taking fashion back to 1965: say hello to day-glo!

Yeah, I think I’ll pass, thank you. Could you point this carcass that actually went through the 60’s to the “Lady Large” section where all things polyester are available in basic Remorse Black?

At the border before crossing into the land of Largess there was a display designed to take one last kick at the fat kid on the playground.  LADIES: check out these fabulous  jeans made with space age FORM CONTROL TECHNOLOGY!  Designed to flatten your tummy and lift your bottom into a more attractive, younger you!   Sizes 2-7  

Size 2’s don’t have bottoms to lift or tummies to flatten. You can’t lift what isn’t there…

I clutch my cherry pitter a bit tighter and head for the exit.

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