Some stones are smoother than others

some of us never grow out of those first moments

We learn things from our kids. Yes, I know that’s a cliche right up there with kids say the darnedest things and out of the mouth of babes.  But every so often a little old cliche will quietly walk up, gently hold out a hand and, as I bend to hear what wisdom it has to impart,  give me a swift smack on the side of the head.

The other day I was told by my youngest it was my fault she was going to be late for her class at University. Every day she has a class at 10:30 and it was, apparently, common knowledge to the entire world. The sarcasm there was my initial reaction.

Then I put up a status post on Facebook about when, as a child, I had lost a tooth and placed it under my pillow. The next morning I was upset because the tooth fairy had failed to exchange it for a quarter. My mother, seeing my expression as I wandered out to breakfast holding my disappointment and a tooth, asked the obvious.  Controlling her laughter she told me I had to let her know so she could schedule a visit from the dental sprite.

In the Facebook status I pointed out how I was the object of my daughter’s anger under similar circumstances and the same rules apply…if you don’t tell anyone, you can’t expect the magic to happen.

Oddly enough this did not make my daughter feel any better. I forgot, of course, she is on my list of Facebook Friends and thus gets updates. And, unlike me, she is of the Facebook generation so she actually reads the updates as they scroll along. I was reminded of all this when her door opened briefly and she said “I’m not mad but I can be, if that’s what you want.”….

I took it off and put up, instead, a wee note saying I’d forgotten about this being a friends thing and I love her, didn’t mean to be mean… Sappy, yes? Of course yes. And some might say it shows just how spineless I truly am when it comes to my children. Trust me, I have much better evidence of my lack of backbone when it comes to my offspring but I do agree, this was a very public testament to that.

The part that I didn’t say was all the memories about other interactions with my mother that I remembered and that those are what brought about my changing that status.

Mom was a complex person. I know that now and can look back, as I have many times, to analyze why she behaved in certain ways. Of course I’ll never know the full answers because #1, she’s dead and #2, she wouldn’t admit to anything when she was alive.  Her replies would fall into a couple of categories: ‘you’re exaggerating’ , ‘that must have been one of your other mothers because I certainly don’t remember that’, ‘you’ll understand someday’….yup, that pretty much sums it up…oh, there was always the totally unasked for “I know what you say about me when I’m not around…” or “Just wait,  when I’m dead, then you’ll miss me”.  And no, she wasn’t Jewish.

What this all comes down to is I can remember several times when my mother, who was a very intelligent, very funny and, sometimes, very dark person, would say things that were quite witty and quite sharp with me as the subject. Usually these were within my hearing and, even if I was unable to understand a lot of what she was saying, I did understand enough.

I’m not complaining. Over the years I’ve used that same wit in my own defense many times. It’s been sharpened and has even saved a few pieces of my sanity in times of serious emotional stress. It’s driven some away and wounded others.

I never, however, ever want to hurt my children.

And that’s why I took it down. If that means I’m spineless, so be it.